Every music artist is a different personality. Some are in it for the cash, some for the fame, some for the music, and some for the social benefits. Truth is music is a difficult profession. I am ever so unfortunately reminded of this every time Forbes lists the worst paying careers (I swear they get their kicks by telling people that their dreams suck). I have to be confronted with this reality every day, that what I have chosen to follow as a career path will make my life difficult.
Truth is music chose me. I am an able-bodied individual and able to do other things (and may have to until certain things fall into place for sake of daily expenses), but music isn’t just a job for me. Music is my best friend, music is my soul, and music is my life. There isn’t an aspect in my life that isn’t comprised of music, and honestly it is the thing I am best at. Could I pursue a career in business or law and make tons of cash? Sure I could, but at the same time I would despise myself for turning my back on my destiny. This wasn’t a choice, this was fate.
I HAVE to do this.
I guess I think about this a lot more now that college is nearly over for me (a little over two quarters), and a new reality is slamming into my consciousness. It freaks me out. I mean, I know I am ready to leave school. Don’t get me wrong, I love my school and I love education. I love learning, but learning (as I have discovered) occurs everywhere, not simply in a classroom. My life has been unorthodox no doubt, and I suppose my personality is reflective of that. I just know that I am a few research papers away from losing it (just a joke NSA, no doubt you are reading this right now). I guess that I can talk about music and study music, but ultimately I need to make music, rather than simply intellectualize it. The analysis is beautiful, but at times it can make you forget you are studying art as opposed to math equations. I have been made a better person because of my education, and I am forever grateful, but it is time to move on. I don’t need grad school because, in my field, it isn’t necessary for being a composer/guitarist.
At the same time, there is a lot of uncertainty. I say that I am in it for the music, and that is totally true. Sometimes though, personalities that were mentioned in the beginning of this post start to take over. I think about money, because frankly this world is ruled by it. You can’t do much without it. I don’t think of it in a materialistic, “how many Ferraris can I buy” sort of way (frankly I grew up quite humbly). I think of money more like “crap, am I going to be able to pay rent?”
I think about fame. As happy as I am with the fans I have, I think (perhaps selfishly, I am human) why so few people listen to my music. Sometimes I wonder if it is any good. I can’t help but think “well, my video has 135 views, but so and so has 1,000,000,000.” I know it isn’t healthy to think in those terms. In one sense I want tons of people to experience what I have to say. But also selfishly my competitive side, in spite of all of the progress I have made as a human being, still rears its ugly head. What can I say, I’m not perfect and sometimes it is easy to beat yourself up. I always have to put my motives in check, and that isn’t always easy. I’ll sit around and start thinking “is this going to blow up in my face? Is this any good, this music I make? Am I a nobody? Does it matter?” and I have to pull myself out of it. Well, music usually pulls me out of it. I, as is the case, will have some album playing, and will be reminded what made me do this in the first place.
I love music.
It is so hard to not be sure of your career path’s success. But I don’t want to die with regrets (well, at least tons of regrets). Music is pretty much it. There isn’t anything beyond it for me. And dammit it scares me. If I wasn’t so rational maybe it wouldn’t scare me so much. Not really being sure of things is something that I am not good at.
The thing is, I guess, when you are on the edge you figure out what really matters.
This post isn’t about a singular thing, started out that way but, I kind of just started rambling. Thanks for reading.