On the unknown, the satisfied and dissatisfied, and the truth of the artist
So…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I did, after all, recently close the chapter on my academic training at UCLA (which in all respects was a major milestone). I think a lot now, probably more than ever, about the trajectory I want my life to go in. I have for many years seen my dreams develop and evolve, something that I doubt will cease anytime soon.
The funny thing is, in many ways, what I desire I already do.
And yet I don’t.
(Let me explain).
What I want to do with my life is what I am already doing now: making music, writing about music, interviewing bands and the like. The problem is, I am never satisfied. I always want my art to expand, my writing to reach greater heights, and much more. I take pride in what I have done, revisit it often, but then think of what I can do to better such creations and accomplishments.
I am not complaining here, it is simply that I am restless. I am seeking a higher artistic purpose/vision/inspiration (at least that is what I keep telling myself). I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also want success as well. I have selfish interests that I think will validate me as a human being (trust me; any artist that says they don’t have this is lying to you).
But what is success measured by? Wealth? Fame? Awards? What I seek is, inevitably, unknown. I know people that are totally content in their lives, but I am not one of those people. In this time after college in which I am truly seeking my destiny, I find a lot of roadblocks. Pursuing what you love is painful, but life is indeed made up of a great deal of pain…is it not? Any worthy pursuit is filled with treacherous battles that test your will to survive, and indeed I know that while I have faced my fair share of obstacles, many more await me.
I used to be an individual that believed he could control circumstances with various actions. It was only with my acceptance that the future is totally uncertain that I was, to a degree, set free from my own hang-ups about life (there are plenty more to be found however). What I have to understand as I continue to plunge into the rest of my life is that I will always be in a state of artistic satisfaction and dissatisfaction. My life is my art, my music, my writing and there is nothing that can change that. But whether I wake up one day nominated for a GRAMMY or wake up 10 years from now in the same place that I started…I will never stop trying to create. That, my friends, is what makes me an artist.
So I look with great apprehension to my future, but nevertheless continue to strive for only the very best from myself. I will crash and burn more times than I will succeed, but that is alright with me. I know who I am, and yet I am still discovering more.
Thanks for reading this, come along for my voyage and let us see where I land. Cheers.
“One recognizes one’s course by discovering the paths that stray from it.”-Albert Camus